In 2015 I had met the guy who would change my life. He had messaged me on my Instagram after coming across my tinder a few months before. He’d sent me a picture of his phone number with the message ‘WhatsApp me, would love to chat x’. It was a different approach than most guys had done before so I was curious. Within a week of talking we had arranged a first date.
It was a Monday evening and I was late. I was struggling to find an outfit and finding a way to cover my recently ginger dyed roots. Old street was all new to me, I always worry I’m not going to recognize a new face but I saw him straight away, sitting at a table with a bottle of Sol. I didn’t know why I was so nervous, I wasn’t even sure if I was attracted to him as he wasn’t really my usual type. Conversation just flowed and he had a lot of proud stories to tell, I liked to listen. He had told me how he had seen my Tinder profile but we had never matched. I was embarrassed. He then took me to another bar where he had booked a table, his efforts to impress me were working. When I got home that evening I wasn’t expecting a message so I was shocked when he had messaged me.
I wasn’t really invested in him as I had been let down by so many guys before but for some reason I was curious, he’d message me everyday for the whole day, even on nights he would be out and it felt nice. The second date he arranged a week later, this time I made the effort to be early. I had been sitting at a bar in Clapham for 10mins, where the bar tender had been asking me about the date I was waiting for. He came up behind me and gave me a kiss on the cheek and sat down. I could see the bar tender smirking. He had another table booked for us at another bar again much to my surprise, he was still making the effort to impress me. 2 hours in, i was already drunk trying to hide it as best I could. I didn’t want to come across as a light weight. We laughed and joked the whole night, I felt comfortable, I felt safe. He spoke about his ex’s and past girls he had dated and how he escaped all of them as some were weird or they weren’t right for him. I could tell he was drunk as he became more confident and honest. He’d told me that he had fancied me for ages and couldn’t work out how to contact me. He also admitted to drinking before our dates to settle his nerves. I found it sweet for him to be that open with me, someone he’d only met twice. We shared our first kiss, it was a nice kiss, my head was spinning and I was seeing stars (but it could have been from the alcohol). It was a Thursday night so I tried to be sensible and leave at a decent time, he offered to take me to his place but I refused.
Again, we chatted every day, all day, he’d ask me to a wildlife exhibition at The History Museum the following Sunday. I left my house hungover from a night out with my friends and went to meet him. He looked more nervous than usual, even though he’d already kissed me he went in for an awkward hug. Did he remember that we had kissed? We went through the exhibition pointing out our favourites. I could see him watching me in the corner of my eye. All these little things started to make me feel butterflies and made me nervous in return.
After the third date, I could tell things would start to progress, we’d talk everyday, we’d meet up every week and have cute planned out dates here and there, all of which ended with a kiss on the cheek. Ever since the first kiss he never had the courage to do it again unless he had a bit to drink. He’d always invite me back to his place and I always refused.
In December I had planned a date to winter wonderland, we walked around then sat down to have something to eat. I remember sitting opposite each other. I was looking up at the riders on one of the rides. Again, I could see him looking at me, holding his gaze. He took me on the bumper cars and I felt him becoming more comfortable, he held my hand on the wheel trying to avoid and playfully bumping cars from behind. This was my turn to look at him. I had never had s’mores before so he found a place with a fire pit, marshmallows and wine. This was slowly becoming one of my favourite dates, not because of the date but because of how he made me feel. This was the date that made me realise how much I liked this guy.
A week later he had shown up at my work place to drop of a Christmas present he had bought me. I was happy, I was excited and I felt butterflies for this guy who kept making me feel special by the day. I went in for the kiss.
He had gotten me a book, “the bucket list”. It was a book where you wrote down everything you wanted to do and tick them off as you did them. I still have it to this day. He had gotten it for me as we would always talk about things we wanted to do, some of it together and to put on our bucketlists. It was such a thoughtful gift.
After Christmas we tried to spend as much time as we could together. This was becoming normal for us. He had booked us tickets to the Pillow Cinema in Hackney. This was the first film we would see together. We chose to watch Straight Outta Compton. It was cute date. We had a beanbag to share which made us both awkward. How would we sit? Would we cuddle? I sat on my side and he sat on his. As the movie started he pulled me in to lay on his chest. I felt myself relaxing but I could tell he wasn’t.
He was always planning quirky different dates for us to do. He was very organised. He had told me his friends had suggested nice places and that he wanted to do these cute things with me. I appreciated it so much. He was opening my eyes to a different side of life I had never had the opportunity to explore but with him I felt like I could do these things because I had him to share the experiences with. I wanted to do these things with him too.
We had planned a date to Dishoom in Shoreditch. I saw as he started to feel more comfortable around me. He wasn’t the shy or coy guy I knew him to be. We would share our food and just chat. He had asked me why we hadn’t been Facebook friends yet. I could tell he was waiting for me to make the first move so I did.
For the first time, he took my hand as we walked down the street. I felt the butterflies acting up again. I smiled to myself. I remember feeling a sense of relief when he took my hand. I felt safe. From then on we walked hand in hand everywhere. I looked at him with admiration. Everything about me was changing. He was becoming my Prince,
my Knight in shining armour. He finally made me believe in good again. I was on a cloud, I was in my own little dream world.
6 months later I had finally accepted the invitation back to his. I walked through the door nervous and I was greeted by one of his housemates. We watched a movie on his ‘ex’s’ Netflix account. As the movie went on, he moved in closer and closer and soon we were in the bedroom. It didn’t plan out the way we both had hoped but we held each other and lay in bed until the next morning sharing stories. I told him not to hurt me, to which he replied ‘I’d never leave you, you’d be the one to probably leave me’.
He had told me how his parents already knew who I was and that he was showing my picture to some colleagues at work. He made me feel like the only girl in the world for him.
Valentines was right around the corner and he had planned something. I had to pick out my outfit and plan everything to be perfect. We were sat at Polpo by a waitress that turned out to be his old classmate, we shared our food which made it extra romantic. Later on, his housemate that I had met was at the same restaurant so we sat with him and his girlfriend for a while. Was this now a double date? The girlfriend looked at me and said, ‘the waitress came to tell us “he” had come in with a pretty girl, you are very pretty’. I smiled. We separated ways and I was again going back to his place. This time was different, this time was special.
In April 2016 he had planned a full weekend of the things we had said we wanted to do. He had booked the Crazy bear restaurant for the Saturday and duck and waffle for the Sunday. It was a beautiful weekend, it was the start of our relationship. When we had gotten back from the crazy bear he had asked me where I saw our relationship going. ‘I can call you my boyfriend?’, to which he replied, ‘good, cos I want to call you my girlfriend’.
A few weeks after we were to make our debut as a couple at his friends Charity wine tasting event. I hated red wine.
I knew I would need to be in control. It was the first time he had introduced me as his girlfriend. I felt happy and proud I had this guy who adored me as much as I adored him. He couldn’t wait to show me off (well really this wasn’t the first time I had met everyone). I had met a few people while we were dating but I was also introduced to some new faces.
The White wine went down a treat. I had always been a fan. I watched as the red wines came out. I thought this was the time to man up and try something new. I did that a lot with him. I got the courage to step outside my comfort zone and do things I would have never done before. He was a positive influence on me. Somehow I always wanted to impress him. He would always stay silent and looked at me like I was the most perfect thing he’d ever seen and I wanted to live up to that.
The White wine went down a treat. I had always been a fan. I watched as the red wines came out. I thought this was the time to man up and try something new. I did that a lot with him. I got the courage to step outside my comfort zone and do things I would have never done before. He was a positive influence on me. Somehow I always wanted to impress him. He would always stay silent and looked at me like I was the most perfect thing he’d ever seen and I wanted to live up to that.
I went home drunk that night.
He never use to like using emojis but as I used them so did he. He told me that I had converted him into accepting emojis in his messages. By now we had stopped calling each other by our names and instead called each other ‘babes’. At first, it started as a joke as he said he hated guys calling their girlfriends “babe”, but a few months in and he was using it more than me. Now and again he’d say I was his perfect girl and that I was his ‘One and Only’. That became my label to him. His One and Only.
I loved waking up with him by my side. We already had our sides of the bed. He’d pull me in and hug me. He’d look at me and tell me I looked beautiful in the morning. We’d eat breakfast together and start our day and how his friends had troubles in their relationship. He would always share a bit of gossip with me. He’d tell me we had it better than anyone one else. He’d say he was lucky to have me and that I was his dream girl. I knew he was sincere because he hated the cheesy Romantic stuff.
The year went fast, by July we had already been on our first amazing holiday to Barcelona (which he had surprised me with for my birthday), I had spent my first birthday with him, gone to his family home, I had met his best friends, most of his school friends, his family and he had met my friends and family. We even had our first argument but I was falling in love with him by the day. He’d surprise me every week by planning something for us to do. We loved exploring new things and we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. We fit so perfectly into each others lives that we didn’t need to change anything.
In August, I left on a family holiday to Cannes. As usual he would message me wondering what I was getting up to. One morning I woke up to a picture of a story he found on the page, “The Way We Met”. It was a cute story about a man who had fallen in love with a girl off Instagram after getting the courage to message her. They started dating and he fell for her and soon after he could picture his whole life with her. This story seemed very familiar to the both of us. It was sweet, endearing and a way for me to know that we were on the same page.
In September, I had helped him move from his home in Brixton. He had rented a van and I sat in the passenger seat feeding him macds breakfast. His new place felt nicer, better and more cosier; mostly for me knowing I was the first girlfriend he would bring to this house.
October was the month that we invited each other to our friends events. First, I got to take him to my friends Halloween celebration. He was the type to try and impress everyone, he wanted people to like him but my friends were nothing like the people he was use to. I could see that. We enjoyed the night and staggered home drunk. A week after, he invited me to his friends birthday who had invited all the ‘lads’ WAGs. It was different for me too, I had never been fully surrounded by people that made me feel different. I stood out like a sore thumb in this crowd. I got along with his friends, they were friendly and chatty. They had all been invited to his house for pre drinks so as he acted as the host, I was left to make my way around, getting to know everyone. We had all started to make our way to the bar, which didn’t last long. The drinks came in fast. He had gotten his friend to take our first picture of us together. Our first picture. It was sweet. He was drunk smiling and I was hugging him tightly. We looked good together. He told me he wanted to upload it to his Instagram but wanted me to edit it first. His words were slurred. Two hours later we had all gotten a cab back to his place again. More faces started to show up at the house. His drunk friends would pull me to the side and jokingly say, ‘why are you with him?’. Some of the guys couldn’t believe I was real, most of them thought I was a catfish or a lie. He had shown them pictures from previous beauty pageants I had did. I played along with the joke, no one would remember the conversation in the morning. 4am the party was still going, I watched him getting drunker by the hour. By 5am he started chewing his face off, it was time for bed.
The next day he had proudly posted our first picture together. His notifications were blowing up. I was also receiving friend requests from his family and friends. It was a nice feeling to get the approval from his closest friends. He had told me everyone thought I was sweet, friendly and nice. I was happy to be accepted.
Our relationship was like fluid. It just flowed. It wasn’t perfect but for me, it was the greatest love I had ever felt. We had our little arguments here and there just, like any normal couple. Some days he would surprise me at work and other days I’d do little things to remind him how much I loved and appreciated him. I trusted him.
He would be so open and honest about some things that I had no reason to believe he could ever lie to me. He would tell me when a girl fancied him, he told me when a naked girl accidentally walked into his room instead of back to his housemates, he’d tell me all his plans and shared his feelings. I caught him out on a little lie once and he admitted he wasn’t good at lying. I believed him.
Christmas was right around the corner.
We planned our gift exchanges in a steak restaurant in Tottenham Court Road. His birthday was also on Christmas Day so I bought him two gifts, along with a gift for his parents. He started to unravel the box revealing two coloured polo shirts that I noticed was missing from his collection. He loved his Ralph Lauren shirts. The second gift was a trip to Budapest, and I had a few other things to surprise him with when we got there. He had gotten me tickets to the NBA as he knew I was trying and failing to get them myself. I hated going long periods without seeing him. Being with his family was the only time he’d put his phone down. It wasn’t normal, so I was glad that Christmas flew by.
2017 now, our relationship stronger than ever, still messaging each other every minute of the day. Of course, like every normal relationship we had our off days but we both couldn’t stay mad at each other for more than a day. The only thing was, he hated confrontation and talking about the future. My head was telling me to be weary but my heart spoke differently. I would go over to his after work and spend weekends with him. Some days I would wait for him outside his Uni or cook him up a meal at his home. Everyday was different. We shared a love for spa days and every so often one of us would plan one for the both of us. It was nice having someone on the same page, not worrying about anything else.
We would lay in bed together most weekends. He would tell me how lucky he was to have me. He told me that he would always flick through my pictures on Instagram and realise how lucky he felt being with me. Things like this I knew were sincere from him. He hated any sort of cheesiness but when he did open up, it made me feel so special. He always knew how to make me feel like the one for him.
In February we were on our way to Budapest. I had planned it out so that we would spend Valentines together. Our hotel was beautiful and the city was like a fairytale. It was the perfect way to spend our romantic trip together. One night, I walked out of the bathroom and there was a Pandora bag sitting on the bed next to him. He smiled and couldn’t contain my excitement. I opened the box to reveal two shining studded earrings. They were beautiful. ‘A thank you for bringing us here on Valentines’. I could feel my walls crumbling down and my heart pounding even faster. Budapest was easily becoming the most romantic place. We visited the Spas where he would carry me around on his back. We were like kids.
On Valentines I had planned a couples bath and spa surprise for him. We walked into this dimly lit room with a bath in the corner. Around the bath they had left us some champagne, fruit and towels left in the shape of two swans coming together. It was like one of those cheesy scenes you see on dating shows but it was the perfect way to spend it together.
In the evening he had booked us a table at the hotels fanciest restaurant. We both dressed up for the occasion. We sat down and proceeded to chat. I opened up a lot to him about a lot of things but I never really knew too much about his past because he didn’t talk about it. I’d ask a few questions and he’d answer. I knew about some ex’s. I had asked him how many girls he had been with, he was always reluctant to tell me but tonight he told me. ‘Forty’, he said. My heart sank into my stomach. My eyes dropped down to my plate. All these thoughts and feelings circulated and I couldn’t eat or look him in the eye. What does this mean about me? Am I just a number? Is he just one of those guys that date and sleep around a lot? He had always made out like he use to be this perfect gentleman that took care of these different girls he had met in the past. My mind ran through all the thoughts you could possibly have. He was upset and angry because I was upset. I didn’t want it to ruin the holiday so I made myself snap out of it. I loved him, I was with him now and his past didn’t matter because with me he wasn’t that guy. I hugged him and apologized for over reacting. He hugged me back and said ‘I love you’.
In April, we celebrated our anniversary at a restaurant in Shoreditch. We both dressed up and enjoyed the night together before I headed off on holiday. I couldn’t stop kissing him. I knew I was going to miss him.I loved kissing him, we were in sync in that department too. He would always tell me how sexy I was and how pretty I looked. Even a year on I was still trying to impress him.
I went to the Philippines for 3 weeks and I could tell he missed me as much as I did. He would FaceTime me when he was drunk or messaged me everyday asking for pictures. That was the longest time we had been separated.
As soon as I came home there he was at my front door. He rarely came over to my house because of the distance so I knew that this was him showing me how much he missed me.
His Grandmas 90th birthday celebration was somewhere near Sevenoaks. She had invited him and myself to the celebration with his whole family. This was going to be the first time I would meet his extended family all at the same time. I was nervous. I asked my mum what she thought I should wear. I went with a Orange Chanel shift dress (just to be fancy). I met him at the station, he kissed me and told me I looked beautiful and we headed off to catch the train. When we got to the station we had met his brother and his girlfriend. I was still nervous but being with him settled me as it always did. We walked up to this beautiful old building on top of the hill. As we walked inside, the room was full of people already standing around chatting. I saw his brother and his parents which were the only familiar faces to me. I went over and gave them hugs. His mother was always kind to me and she always liked what I was wearing. A few months back I had bought her a jacket she had wanted with my discount, she told me how much she loved wearing it.
It was nice to stand around his family. They had welcomed me in so warmly that I already felt like a part of the family. It was a good day. We got to speak about how we met and the adventures we had been on together. He proudly showed me off and I proudly had him as my partner. When we left we were both still hungry and made our way back down to London. We took a stroll down London Bridge and headed to the nearest Nandos. This was our usual. Being around his family for the day made us even closer, it made our spirits high and made us happy. He always thanked me for going with him to family or friendly functions and I always enjoyed my time because it was a time I got to spend with him, in his life.
It was his flatmates house party and they had invited me. It was the same day as my God child’s christening so I was to show up a bit late. He had messaged me every hour to check how long I’d be. He said he had told people I was going and that they were beginning to think I was lying. I laughed. At about 4pm I got an Uber to his. I pulled up and had messaged him but I got no reply. Someone had left the front door open so I let myself in. As soon as I walked through the door he was the first person I saw along with 15 or more pair of eyes staring back at me. I felt so awkward.
They all started to cheer. He laughed. I could tell they were all just talking about me before I had walked in. I heard someone shout, ‘finally she’s here’. I felt awkward.
I was introduced and reintroduced to some people I had met before and some new faces. I made my way around the room kissing the cheek of every person there. It was a lot. It was literally a football team. His football team. I felt like I was being watched, being judged. I grabbed a drink and tried to settle. He had left me to mingle on my own. Some of the guys had included me in their drinking games. I was still uneasy. I didn’t have him to fall back on. He was drunk and jumping around from group to group. In the evening I decided to leave and go home as I was tired and unaware they were to head out to a bar. He was annoyed but I wasn’t going to deal with it while he was drunk. I was tired and jet lagged. I didn’t want to make a scene so I left but as he was drunk he followed me down the stairs shouting out at me, drawing attention. My tiredness made me extra emotional and dramatic.
The next day he had apologized for leaving me as he said he felt like he had to play host.
It was my birthday month and I had always planned something big for my birthday. This year felt different, even though I had spent it with him last year this year felt special. Even though we were arguing more than usual this month he had made the effort to plan something for my birthday. He’d planned a weekend away at the Crazy Bear Hotel, a Hotel we had been wanting to visit since we first started dating. I was so excited. Then he made me choose from three options but I chose the Aquarium because I knew that would be the one he would enjoy too. We had been fighting earlier that day because he had decided to tell me he was going away with his mates on a holiday instead of us having one. He had always had this weird attachment to his friends and as he put it, he had “FOMO”. I was extra emotional. I had never had a normal birthday and always ended up crying. He was annoyed at me. I forced myself to get over it because it was my birthday and I deserved to be happy!
I had booked up a spot at a bar on a Saturday night. Everyone showed up. Drama was left behind, my friends, my family and even my work colleagues all turned up and it was perfect. Even more so that my boyfriend had turned up after his football event and stuck with me the whole night trying to get me drunk. He succeeded and took me home. Best birthday ever.
It was summer now, he had a lot of holidays planned. His first trip was to America for two weeks. It was always horrible being apart for that long even two years on. Days where I had seen him made me miss him a lot during the day but when he wasn’t in the country it felt worse, like something was missing. We spoke everyday. Some days I’d try and end the conversation so he could enjoy his holiday but he missed me just as much. I was so excited for him to come home because now it was our turn for a little getaway.
Crazy Bear Hotel was our next thing to tick off our list. I saw him at the train station after two long weeks! We hugged each other tight, held hands and went to catch our train.
In Beaconsfield, we were shown to our room. It was a very stylish room, with black walls, a beautiful bed and an unusual bathroom. As soon as we were alone our clothes were off. It had been a while. Suddenly we heard a knock on our door and we both jumped up. I hid in the bathroom, while he quickly put on a robe and opened the door. Delivered, was a beautiful gold bottle of champagne. We both laughed. We drank the champagne and stayed in our room just being with each other. A few hours in and I was starting to feel weird. My stomach was turning, I felt hot but I wasn’t going to let this ruin our day together. I sucked it up and got ready for our fancy dinner together. I dressed up for the occasion and wore a plunging red dress with heels. I always wanted to look my best for him. We walked hand in hand to the restaurant. As we sat down I felt my body crashing, something was definitely not right. We ordered and he started to tell me about his holiday. His best friend (whom he’d been on holiday with) was getting engaged so he had asked me along to the wedding which would take place in January. We were always good at planning ahead. I was excited. I’d never been to a Indian wedding before. He had jokingly asked me how I would like to be proposed to. He knew I liked all the cheesy romantic stuff.
As we started to dip into the starters, I felt nauseous and I made a run for it to the toilets in my annoyingly high heels. My temperature started to rise but I still didn’t want to ruin our time together. I tried to settle my mind and make myself stronger. I didn’t really know what was happening. I went back to the table and our mains had come out. I forced myself to eat. He knew something wasn’t right. He stroked my back and got up and went to the pharmacy next door. I was left on the table on my own trying to hold down the food. He had come back with paracetamol and told me to take some with water. He’d never seen me sick before and i had never had him look after me like that before. He told me not to eat if I couldn’t. I felt so bad. He had planned this lovely dinner and I was sick. I stayed to let him eat then he took me back to the room so I could take a nap. I had woken up an hour and a half later and he was sleeping next to me. He would always cuddle me and pull me in during the night. All of a sudden I was fine, I wasn’t sick,
I wasn’t nauseous and I had no temperature. I gave him a kiss on the head and he woke up. I was going to continue to make this a special trip.
In July he had been invited to a friends wedding. I planned my outfit weeks in advanced. It was my first England wedding with a handsome date. We had planned out our week perfectly. On Wednesday I would stay over his after we attended the wedding meet and greet, Saturday was the wedding, Sunday we would go to the after wedding party and have a date night. Wednesday came quick. I had gone over to his place to meet him and change into something more “wedding party” appropriate. We walked over to Clapham Common where there was a set up of drinks and nibbles on a long table. He didn’t know many people there and I hardly knew anyone. We stood in groups, chatting until the evening. It was nice to see faces I had met before. A few beers later we headed home to catch the latest episode of Love Island. We all (us and his housemates) sat and watched tv while chatting about all the fit people on the show. I loved his home. It was a place I felt safe and comfortable. He would always talk about home like it was ours, he would always joke about how this place was now my home. His home made me feel like I was at home. His room was my safe place. But it wasn’t my home, not really.
Saturday, the wedding day. I had gotten up extra early to get ready. His friends had planned a morning brunch before heading to the coach pick up point. The wedding was somewhere out of London. I had curled my hair, made sure my make up was on good and put on my long flowing red dress. I was ready. I got into the cab and went to meet him.
We had met his friends in a cute cafe in Clapham. We had decided to start the drinking at 10am. I was very aware that I was the odd one out at this table. I tried to include myself in conversations but the conversations were something’s I wasn’t familiar with. I didn’t want his friends to think I was a quiet person, but that was exactly who I was as I always felt like I didn’t fit in with this crowd. They weren’t the friendliest of people but they were nice.
2 hours later we had made a move to the pub where the coaches would be picking us up. I still loved hearing him introduce me as his girlfriend. It gave me butterflies every time. Eventually we were sitting on the coach on our way to the countryside. He took my hand and kissed the back of it. He often did this. I smiled.
The ceremony and reception was beautiful. It was set up in the Brides family home, in the garden (more like a field). The ceremony was set up under a Marquee on one side. It was a simple and beautiful ceremony. I couldn’t help but think, this would be exactly how I would want it.
The reception was set up under a huge Marquee. As soon as you entered plants and fairy lights filled the tent with wooden long tables down the middle. On another side a simple dance floor and bar set up. It was like stepping into something out of Harry Potter. It was like a Fairy tale.
Weirdly enough seating was random and I was separated from my date. I was sat alone surrounded by people who knew each other. I tried to make conversation but people were already in deep conversation with people they knew. Three courses would be a long time!
When I finally made my way back to my date, I could tell he was drunk. He had been chatting to these group of girls and had introduced me. We sat together and he had called the photographer over to take a ‘cute’ picture of us. It really was. It still is one of my favourite pictures of us. We had a few drinks and danced together. It was a good night, I could tell he wanted to go off and party with his friends so he did and I sat by the bonfire outside with one of his housemates/ best friend. I liked this friend, he was one of the ones who would always make an effort with me to feel welcomed. Unfortunately for me,
the early drinking was taking its toll and I had a throbbing headache. His housemate had offered me a painkiller. My date was still dancing away.
It was now 4am, I was struggling to keep my eyes open. We were back on a bus home. I had fallen asleep and as soon as I could remember we were finally home. My date knocked out.
I found myself settling in, in Balham. It was my home away from home. We would spend so much time there that I knew my way around the different spots all the way to Clapham. Saturdays were our days to explore and Sundays were our days to just chill and nap till late afternoon. Which we did a lot. He was a clean freak but he made the exception with me. For the first time he allowed us to eat in bed which he never liked doing. We had gotten so lazy and comfortable we had ordered food and stayed in bed eating and watching films together all day. One night we were moments away from falling asleep when we heard a scratching noise. I called out to him,’can you hear that’. He got up to switch on the lights. Suddenly we saw a mouse run from one corner of his room to under his bed. We both screamed. He was scared as much as I was. He called for help. I put on my clothes and ran out the door. All his housemates had come in to help us. He was still standing on the bed. We were not going to be sleeping in there tonight. These are the days I remember the most. Every moment we shared was amazing but the days we just
got to be with each other in our own little space are the best memories.
I was going away for the weekend. Me and my friends had rented a cabin to spend a friends birthday. He had just told me he was going away for the weekend with his friends. Two girls and another guys. He had told me the two girls had boyfriends and I had nothing to worry about. That didn’t help. My head was hot. I didn’t want my boyfriend to be sleeping in a caravan with two other girls I hardly knew. I had met these girls once before but they hadn’t made an effort to talk to me so I was already very weary. We didn’t speak that weekend. I was upset.
I had gotten home the next day and I still hadn’t heard from him. He was annoyed that I had gotten annoyed. He was always scared of arguments and confrontations, he’d always play the victim. He had told me he was competitive and he would always fight back because that was his job. He had to be right. This was the only thing that annoyed me about him. But, I loved him regardless of this. In my head I just thought, it was just a good thing we didn’t argue as much.
I did have issues of my own. I was self conscious and I had always had trust issues because of previous relationships. I never felt like I needed to put my walls up to protect myself around him, I never thought he would break me heart and I never imagined us not being together till the end. I trusted him 99% but that 1% of what I didn’t trust were other peoples influences. He was a boy after all and boys do what their friends do.
I gave in and called him. My head was going through all types of scenarios. I couldn’t hold back the tears. I hadn’t heard from him in two days, it was the longest time we had gone without speaking to each other, it wasn’t normal and I panicked. We both apologised to each other and I had to get over how I felt. He believed he was right and told me his friends agreed with him. It didn’t really matter how it made me feel because my feelings were wrong. We put it at rest and made up. We both apologized and expressed how we felt about each other.
We were always more loved up after a fight. I guess that’s how it is sometimes.
We were going on cute little dates and spending more days together. I would also go to his home and cook him dinner while he went to football practice. We started talking about our next adventures together, Christmas plans and events that we would attend together. We had our next year planned out.
He was going away soon so we had planned a date. Little did I know this would be our last date.
We met up on a Wednesday evening in Piccadilly Circus. He had been wanting to watch the film Dunkirk for a while so we
Had booked our tickets to the old theatre in Leicester Square. He had told me his work might send him to Miami for months at a time. He spoke about us going together. I questioned our future but he reassured me nothing would happen yet.
We had gotten a bag of ‘pic n mix’ and sat down in the screening room. We played games with the sweets, guessing which one we had been giving each other. Now and again he would kiss my hand or pull me in for a kiss. It was a nice date for some reason this date felt so different...In a good way. it felt like we were two loved up teenagers at the cinema.
We had gotten a bag of ‘pic n mix’ and sat down in the screening room. We played games with the sweets, guessing which one we had been giving each other. Now and again he would kiss my hand or pull me in for a kiss. It was a nice date for some reason this date felt so different...In a good way. it felt like we were two loved up teenagers at the cinema.
The next weekend he was gone. As usual we spoke everyday and even found time to FaceTime each other. It was sweet. He would FaceTime me while he was with the boys. It was like he was a proud guy showing off his girl. I loved it. He always made me feel that way. I guess that’s why my love for him grew the way it did.
After a long week, he was back and I was so excited to see him. He had sent me pictures of the Wedding we went to and the photo the Photographer had took of us.
The thing is with Him, with me he was one person but when we were around other people or the lads, he was someone else. He became more confident, obnoxious and boyish. When we were with his friends he would forget I was with him. I always ignored it because I was so inlove with him so I tried not to read into it but it would always play in the back of my mind.
I had asked him why he hadn’t put up photos of me. He lost it. He was angry that I compared him to his friends who had pictures of their girlfriends all over their Instagram. I wasn’t stupid. I knew he had a lot of people in his past that would pop up now and again. He was the type to want to try and please everyone. He wouldn’t speak to me. I’d call him up and we’d argue on the phone. He had told me he was angry that I compared him to others and that I didn’t trust him. When the real truth is, I trusted him with all my heart. We were getting serious and I was scared. I just needed reassurance that we were on the same page. We had planned that I would go to his house after work to talk.
He opened the door. Usually he leaned in to kiss me on my lips, this time he stood aside awkwardly. It was very awkward, more than it had been in a while. I sat down on one side of the room and he sat on the other. I asked him to sit next to me. I could see he was moving out of his comfort zone. I started to cried as he played the victim. I listened to him and tried to explain how I felt. He told me how he was feeling. I questioned myself. Was I in the wrong? What did I really feel about the situation? It was still so hard trying to get through to him. He never really saw it from my side or comforted me in anyway. He always had to win the argument. When we argued I felt like a child being told off for feeling a certain way. I felt attacked, stupid and belittled but non the less I apologized for saying what I had said because I loved him and I didn’t want that stupid reason to be the cause of us falling out. This is the control he had over me, this was how much I looked up to him and loved him. He also apologized for making me upset. I apologized. All I wanted was to make him happy. Everything I did was to keep him happy. I tried to be everything for him. We hugged and headed to his room. We laid on his bed just hugging and staring at each other. His eyes locked onto mine, he whispered, “I love you”.
We woke up the next morning and I kissed him goodbye knowing I would see him tonight for my friends birthday party,
Which we had been planning for a while. Today, he was out drinking with his friends. I had been messaging him all day as he had been updating me with the events of the day. I had planned to go to my friends house to get ready for our night out as they had wanted me to do their make up. He would message me drunk. I updated him with my whereabouts and the time I would be at the bar. He had told me that his friend from New York had just arrived from New York and he wanted to stay with his friends, not sure about whether or not he wanted to come anymore. I guess we both weren’t over our argument.
I was annoyed, i put my phone away and tried to enjoy my night with my friends.
He messaged me again. We had agreed that he would come to my friends birthday and I would go back with him to carry on the night with him and his friends.I agreed.
At the bar he messaged me, he was on the way. He found me and kissed me. I could taste the alcohol on his breath. He was drunk. He dragged me over to the bar for a shot of tequila and a drink. I wanted to get on his level. We sat down at my friends booth. He took my phone and started to take pictures of the both of us. ‘See I am taking pictures of the both of us’. I laughed and kissed him. He pulled me up to the dance floor and we danced. He spoke in my ear, ‘I’ve booked us a hotel for the wedding... if we aren’t together then I’ll just share with Natalie! Haha!’. I was puzzled. Natalie was his friend. I could tell he was still annoyed about the argument we had too. He picked me up and spun me around. I giggled. He put me down and kissed me.
He would pull his phone out every other minute catching up with his friends. I told him it was okay if he went to meet his friends. I appreciated he turned up but I could tell his mind was elsewhere. An hour after he arrived he told me he wanted to go home instead. I didn’t want to leave yet as it was my friends birthday, I wanted to stay a little bit longer. I explained this to him. He said he would stay with me.
15minutes pass and he tells me we should go home. This is how I knew he was wasted. I told him to go home if he wanted, I didn’t mind staying then heading home. He didn’t want to leave without me.
Every 10minutes he would ask me if we could leave. I was becoming frustrated. I couldn’t enjoy the night. Angrily I gave in and decided to take him home. He left to wait outside. I made my round saying goodbye to my friends. Outside, he was laughing at me. I was annoyed. We walked to the train station and he had asked me why I was annoyed. I ignored him. He quickly became angry. Everything turned so quickly. He was shouting at me and I was shouting back. We were walking down a busy Shoreditch street at 1am just trying to hurt each other with words. it was obvious now that our argument wasn't properly sorted out. I was so frustrated I stopped and pulled him by the T-shirt, our faces inches from each other. I told him why I was angry. I wanted him to just listen at how ridiculous he was being in his drunk state. After I let go, his face turned. He was quiet and shocked. I was too. What was happening? We’ve never done this before.
‘I can’t do this anymore’, he said. My heart dropped. I became more angry. ‘Leave then’, I said as I pushed him away. I was confused, where was I going to go now? What do I do? I walked off, not knowing where I was heading. He followed behind me, his face confused and low. I turned back, “just leave me alone, you’ve already broken my heart!”. I continued walking. Life around me was a blur. I turned back around and he was gone. I started to break down, on the floor crying. I called my friends who were still at the bar. I walked on my own back the way I came, sobbing. I saw my friends in the distance,
I stood still and floods of tears fell out. My friends came up and shielded me.
Darkness. We were in the Cab now I was laying in the back on my friends lap. The cab driver panicked and handed my friends boxes of tissues. All I remember is hearing the sound of my screaming cries. What was happening? Was I dreaming? I heard nothing, I saw nothing. I was just stuck in my Own head. I was paralyzed.
